Double Negatives

Sometimes, when it quiet, I have conversations with myself. This happens mainly if the babes are napping or I can actually catch a shower alone. Last night as I was showering and finally able to shave my legs (it had been waaaaaay to long), I had the intrusive thought of cutting myself while shaving. Not my legs but my arms or my wrists. This may be horrifying to some people but this is the thing I have been fighting for weeks. When the thought comes in, currently, I tell myself 'you're still to fat for a funeral', again this may be horrifying, however.....its a double negative. I cancel out the negative thoughts with another negative thought, meaning, I still have too much baby weight to lose to bow out now. Honestly, it works, and I kind of laugh at my own dark humor and continue on with the day. I need to constantly be present, in the moment, it's far to easy right now to slip down the rabbit hole. On a completely positive note, I actually played with my kids yesterday, it wasn't all survival mode. I played tag with Emerson, and played with his batman cars with him and we used Miles stripped onesie he was wearing as train tracks for Emerson's trains and drove them up and down his belly, much to his delight. Remaining present is an exercise I am trying to get better at.